Hello All!
So today, I went shopping. Shopping normally creates a lot of anxiety in me. Mostly when I am shopping for pants. I'm always shopping for pants.
I didn't find any pants today. Apparently, no pants are available after May 1st.
Luckily, Old Navy has the jeans I wear. AND the jeans I wear in a size smaller than normal. Maybe this size smaller is the new normal!
Unluckily, Kohl's did not. I did manage to find some capris that fit. I settled on just one pair because Kohl's has this annoying habit of putting excessive seams, zippers and pockets on the particular brand of pants that I like to wear (ie actually fit me). I literally tried on like 6 pairs to find one pair that fit. Then they didn't have the shirt I liked in the size I needed. OR the present I intended on buying my husband.
So I got to thinking...I can still notch my belt one notch tighter and can still fit into jeans one size smaller. My scale is broken (for better or for worse?) (It just needs a new battery.) so I can't say if my weight is changing. I feel like I've gained quite a bit secondary to my reintroduction of bad habits. BUT what I really got thinking about was WHAT IF I could have worn those smaller pants all along. What was stopping me? The answer was that they didn't fit. At least, I didn't think that they did.
As I move into mid-May, I enter another chapter where I should get myself motivated to loose some weight. I really should find a 5K and just sign up. I could probably walk it if nothing else...
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
My Tools
This post won't be about my fertility or weight loss goals. It is about me though.
I read this article and was insulted by number 6. I agree that my hands are my tools and that they are something that clients see and follow. HOWEVER, I find it hard to believe that even a small animal vet would be able to keep them as clean and pristine as the article wants you too. It is IMPOSSIBLE for someone that practices large animal medicine to do so. I wash my hands frequently, am out in the cold often and expose my hands on a regular basis to harsh disinfectants. A manicure is out of the question.
My hands aren't pretty. The tips of my thumbs and middle fingers are painfully cracked. Its not uncommon for them to bleed spontaneously when I hit them accidentally on something. The skin is dry and it often appears that I am wearing a pair of dry skin gloves! I have deep painful cracks on the sides of my fingers where suture cut into them when I was performing surgery and where the gigli wire cut into them when removing goat horns this week. I bite my nails and often surrounding the edges of the nail beds are layers of who knows what from a long day out on farm calls that require intensive, focused scrubbing. (You would think this would be a good reason to stop biting them but somehow it hasn't stopped me. Gross, I know!)
Even if I was to treat myself to the recommended manicure, my hands still aren't pretty. My hands are small. I wear a size 6 1/2 glove which is the average women's size however, if I compare my hands to someone else that wears the same size glove, my fingers are often 1/2 inch shorter! My fingers are short and the palms are broad. The size was often commented on in school by my professors and clients still comment on it today. My small hands make some tasks difficult (such as farrowing pigs because my fingers are too short) but others easy (like delivering goat kids). Because my hands are small, I sometimes have difficulty using equipment the same way someone else would. But apparently, other female physicians do too.
So what I would ask of clients, when they look at my small hands with the cracked skin and cuts from sturdy suture material, is that they don't think that I don't take care of myself. I want them to think of all of the things my hands do. Finely stitching up a cut on a horse, performing a life saving surgery on a dog, blindly manipulating a calf to bring it into the world, palpating a mass on a cat, holding a paw as I help a pet pass away.
My hands are my tools. My hands are not pretty but they perform the job well and that's the most important thing.
I read this article and was insulted by number 6. I agree that my hands are my tools and that they are something that clients see and follow. HOWEVER, I find it hard to believe that even a small animal vet would be able to keep them as clean and pristine as the article wants you too. It is IMPOSSIBLE for someone that practices large animal medicine to do so. I wash my hands frequently, am out in the cold often and expose my hands on a regular basis to harsh disinfectants. A manicure is out of the question.
My hands aren't pretty. The tips of my thumbs and middle fingers are painfully cracked. Its not uncommon for them to bleed spontaneously when I hit them accidentally on something. The skin is dry and it often appears that I am wearing a pair of dry skin gloves! I have deep painful cracks on the sides of my fingers where suture cut into them when I was performing surgery and where the gigli wire cut into them when removing goat horns this week. I bite my nails and often surrounding the edges of the nail beds are layers of who knows what from a long day out on farm calls that require intensive, focused scrubbing. (You would think this would be a good reason to stop biting them but somehow it hasn't stopped me. Gross, I know!)
Even if I was to treat myself to the recommended manicure, my hands still aren't pretty. My hands are small. I wear a size 6 1/2 glove which is the average women's size however, if I compare my hands to someone else that wears the same size glove, my fingers are often 1/2 inch shorter! My fingers are short and the palms are broad. The size was often commented on in school by my professors and clients still comment on it today. My small hands make some tasks difficult (such as farrowing pigs because my fingers are too short) but others easy (like delivering goat kids). Because my hands are small, I sometimes have difficulty using equipment the same way someone else would. But apparently, other female physicians do too.
So what I would ask of clients, when they look at my small hands with the cracked skin and cuts from sturdy suture material, is that they don't think that I don't take care of myself. I want them to think of all of the things my hands do. Finely stitching up a cut on a horse, performing a life saving surgery on a dog, blindly manipulating a calf to bring it into the world, palpating a mass on a cat, holding a paw as I help a pet pass away.
My hands are my tools. My hands are not pretty but they perform the job well and that's the most important thing.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
No News
No news is good news right?
Well, kindof.
The good news is that I haven't gained any weight. The good news is that I can wear jeans one size smaller than I normally would. And comfortably.
The bad news is that I'm rapidly seeing my old habits slipping back. Tired, hungry, stressed, bored, trying to buy time? The answer is food. And bad for me food too. Like McDonalds breakfast or super sweet and fake cups of mochas. And peanut butter muffins. And candy. And really whatever I'm in the mood for. Eating to fit my moods was a real bad habit of mine. The bad news is that I quit shakeology. I honestly was tired of the $120 a month commitment for something I could barely choke down. I really really was going to try it again but then finances got tight and $120 a month was just too much. Even for promised results. Luckily, (the good news) I'm supposed to be getting a refund on one bag and a second is currently selling on eBay for $90 which will feed my eBay addiction.
I promise myself I will continue to work on my habits. And maybe work on weight loss. The habits will be a good start at least.
Well, kindof.
The good news is that I haven't gained any weight. The good news is that I can wear jeans one size smaller than I normally would. And comfortably.
The bad news is that I'm rapidly seeing my old habits slipping back. Tired, hungry, stressed, bored, trying to buy time? The answer is food. And bad for me food too. Like McDonalds breakfast or super sweet and fake cups of mochas. And peanut butter muffins. And candy. And really whatever I'm in the mood for. Eating to fit my moods was a real bad habit of mine. The bad news is that I quit shakeology. I honestly was tired of the $120 a month commitment for something I could barely choke down. I really really was going to try it again but then finances got tight and $120 a month was just too much. Even for promised results. Luckily, (the good news) I'm supposed to be getting a refund on one bag and a second is currently selling on eBay for $90 which will feed my eBay addiction.
I promise myself I will continue to work on my habits. And maybe work on weight loss. The habits will be a good start at least.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Rewards and Regret
I believe in rewarding yourself. I believe your rewards should be more than a WHOLE bell pepper or having to choose between a tiny glass of wine and a spoonful of peanut butter
But my rewarding was getting out of hand.
I don't need to get fast food, a soda, a candy bar, hot chocolate or Wisconsin cheddar bites just because I went grocery shopping or got gas or actually worked.
I'm not a dog. Why am I using food as a reward. Essentially too a reward for being an adult. (Okay, sometimes being an adult deserves a reward!)
Here's the thing about my reward system.
1) it's not a system and 2) if I was rewarding myself with anything but food, I'd instantly regret it. If instead of a milkshake, I bought a magazine, I just wouldn't do it. I can look at things and say, I don't need that. I can prevent myself from buying an item, no matter how cheap or possibly helpful because it costs money. The same amount of money on food? No big deal. I'll buy that.
Even if I saved the money, put it away in a jar where I could see a visual representation of my reward (for both not eating something bad for me and for something big I could buy for myself or the house), I still wouldn't do it. I still would unlikely get the same satisfaction, even if fleeting, that I do from food. So I guess that's my new goal. Put aside money or even buy stuff I don't need (because seeing it accumulate even for a short period will be a good visual representation of what I'm spending/doing with food), instead of buying myself a treat.
Now if you excuse me, the bagel place with lox bagels just opened.
But my rewarding was getting out of hand.
I don't need to get fast food, a soda, a candy bar, hot chocolate or Wisconsin cheddar bites just because I went grocery shopping or got gas or actually worked.
I'm not a dog. Why am I using food as a reward. Essentially too a reward for being an adult. (Okay, sometimes being an adult deserves a reward!)
Here's the thing about my reward system.
1) it's not a system and 2) if I was rewarding myself with anything but food, I'd instantly regret it. If instead of a milkshake, I bought a magazine, I just wouldn't do it. I can look at things and say, I don't need that. I can prevent myself from buying an item, no matter how cheap or possibly helpful because it costs money. The same amount of money on food? No big deal. I'll buy that.
Even if I saved the money, put it away in a jar where I could see a visual representation of my reward (for both not eating something bad for me and for something big I could buy for myself or the house), I still wouldn't do it. I still would unlikely get the same satisfaction, even if fleeting, that I do from food. So I guess that's my new goal. Put aside money or even buy stuff I don't need (because seeing it accumulate even for a short period will be a good visual representation of what I'm spending/doing with food), instead of buying myself a treat.
Now if you excuse me, the bagel place with lox bagels just opened.
Bad Leslie
So like two weeks ago, I had a really bad week. It started fairly innocently enough. I bought a Subway sandwich. But the Subway was only an opening into the rest of the week.
I had a bunch of hard cases. That made me sad.
I was busy. That made me hungry.
So I made up excuses and didn't work on my diet. Or exercise but we know that wasn't going to happen anyway.
While I shouldn't make up excuses, there are three things I can say about the past two weeks of 'free eating':
1) my snacking habits have changed. I'm not snacking on veggies; I'm just not snacking as much. Especially at work (where there hardly ever is any food anyway).
2) I'm still below my initial goal weight and can still tighten my belt an extra notch. I'm not sure where the weight left. Maybe my face?
3) I will try again. Probably later this month.
I had a bunch of hard cases. That made me sad.
I was busy. That made me hungry.
So I made up excuses and didn't work on my diet. Or exercise but we know that wasn't going to happen anyway.
While I shouldn't make up excuses, there are three things I can say about the past two weeks of 'free eating':
1) my snacking habits have changed. I'm not snacking on veggies; I'm just not snacking as much. Especially at work (where there hardly ever is any food anyway).
2) I'm still below my initial goal weight and can still tighten my belt an extra notch. I'm not sure where the weight left. Maybe my face?
3) I will try again. Probably later this month.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Motivational Lack
There are two things that should really motivate me to continue with this diet and actually try but they aren't.
I've lost 15 pounds. Half of what I wanted (or that the doctors wanted) me to lose. I've surpassed my first goal.
And I haven't done all that much. I've significantly reduced my soda, junk food (though I'd love some Doritos right now), and fast food intake. I've tried to eat better at home.
The motivational point from this should be that if I just worked a little harder, if I just actually worked out and if I actually just measured my food as I'm supposed to, I could lose the rest of the weight that I am supposed to. It should come right off. Maybe it takes a month or two but it would right?
But it's not motivating me. Maybe it's because I think the doctors are wrong. Maybe it's because I don't think that at 30 pounds lighter I'm going to magically ovulate and magically conceive. So it seems to me, 'why bother?'
The other thing that should motivate me is the simple fact that I want to have a baby. I want kids. Dieting and weight loss will lead to conceiving a baby.
But no matter how much I want a baby, I can't motivate myself to diet.
Am I mentally deficient? Is there something that I'm doing wrong? How of I motivate myself to actually diet? I don't need 'you can do anything!' motivation but something more. I was going to say that maybe I needed some help. Someone to diet with.
Joe is not that person.
Joe's philosophy on 21 Day Fix is to see how many of his containers he can eat. Especially all mixed into his Shakeologu. My philosophy is the opposite. I want to eat as few as possible. (To the point of self destruction. Luckily, the cheesecake is gone.)
I need to find some motivation. If only it was that easy.
I've lost 15 pounds. Half of what I wanted (or that the doctors wanted) me to lose. I've surpassed my first goal.
And I haven't done all that much. I've significantly reduced my soda, junk food (though I'd love some Doritos right now), and fast food intake. I've tried to eat better at home.
The motivational point from this should be that if I just worked a little harder, if I just actually worked out and if I actually just measured my food as I'm supposed to, I could lose the rest of the weight that I am supposed to. It should come right off. Maybe it takes a month or two but it would right?
But it's not motivating me. Maybe it's because I think the doctors are wrong. Maybe it's because I don't think that at 30 pounds lighter I'm going to magically ovulate and magically conceive. So it seems to me, 'why bother?'
The other thing that should motivate me is the simple fact that I want to have a baby. I want kids. Dieting and weight loss will lead to conceiving a baby.
But no matter how much I want a baby, I can't motivate myself to diet.
Am I mentally deficient? Is there something that I'm doing wrong? How of I motivate myself to actually diet? I don't need 'you can do anything!' motivation but something more. I was going to say that maybe I needed some help. Someone to diet with.
Joe is not that person.
Joe's philosophy on 21 Day Fix is to see how many of his containers he can eat. Especially all mixed into his Shakeologu. My philosophy is the opposite. I want to eat as few as possible. (To the point of self destruction. Luckily, the cheesecake is gone.)
I need to find some motivation. If only it was that easy.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Six Things I Want to Eat
1) cheese bites from Sheetz
2) cookies
3) hot dogs
4) French fries
5) cake preferably with cream cheese frosting
6) peanut butter cup hot chocolate
2) cookies
3) hot dogs
4) French fries
5) cake preferably with cream cheese frosting
6) peanut butter cup hot chocolate
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Five Posts
No witty title today.
Today, getting out of the shower, I weighed myself and I have hit my first weight loss goal!. I've lost 15# since the beginning of the year! (15 pounds wasn't the goal; the goal was to crack a certain weight.) In celebration, I notched my belt one notch tighter!
Also, in celebration, I'm going to completely be self destructive this weekend as usual.
My husband is back from his work trip and wants to try this portion control thing too. So maybe tomorrow we try to do some meal planning and preparation.
Next weekend is going to be another challenge. I'm on call and when I'm on call, I reward myself by eating whatever I want. Also, since I'm out on the road most of the day, I end up getting a lot of fast food and gas station junk. So we'll see how next weekend goes.
Shakeology-best done with two tsp almond butter and a banana. The goats like bananas more than I do.
Today, getting out of the shower, I weighed myself and I have hit my first weight loss goal!. I've lost 15# since the beginning of the year! (15 pounds wasn't the goal; the goal was to crack a certain weight.) In celebration, I notched my belt one notch tighter!
Also, in celebration, I'm going to completely be self destructive this weekend as usual.
My husband is back from his work trip and wants to try this portion control thing too. So maybe tomorrow we try to do some meal planning and preparation.
Next weekend is going to be another challenge. I'm on call and when I'm on call, I reward myself by eating whatever I want. Also, since I'm out on the road most of the day, I end up getting a lot of fast food and gas station junk. So we'll see how next weekend goes.
Shakeology-best done with two tsp almond butter and a banana. The goats like bananas more than I do.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Four Reds
I don't like shakeology.
Maybe I should have gotten chocolate.
This is strawberry with Greek yogurt, banana and pineapple.
I also don't like fruit.
Maybe I should have gotten chocolate.
This is strawberry with Greek yogurt, banana and pineapple.
I also don't like fruit.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Three Times Seven is 21 Day Fix
I wasn't trying to number these posts but moving on to the third, its looking pretty clever.
I'm planning on losing my 30 pounds by doing 21 Day Fix/BeachBody/Shakeology.
I hate dieting.
I hate exercise.
I love sugar and being lazy.
I ordered the 21 Day Fix stuff in September. The box floated around my kitchen for months before I just opened it a few weeks ago.
It took some major badgering from a vet school classmate and some major crying after talking to my husband to realize that I really needed to do this. Loosing 30 pounds was my only option. I don't have the $2600+ that would be needed for fertility treatments. (Actually, that's the cost for one fertility treatment. It's not covered by insurance.)
Weight loss isn't going to be easy. I need to actually stick to the program. No cheating.
The past few weeks haven't been easy.
So tomorrow, I'm really doing it. Joe's going to be out of town which will make it easier since I'm only feeding myself. And I don't have to worry about him making fun of me exercising.
Tomorrow, meal planning and grocery store. (And TSC and Home Depot.)
I know that there will be days I cheat. Days that work is rough enough to require a Coke to get me through or when I decide that the calving/DA/lameness exam was close enough to exercise and skip it. And that's okay. As long as the good days out weight the bad.
That being said, by some random stroke of luck, I've lost almost 10 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm not sure how but its true!
I'm planning on losing my 30 pounds by doing 21 Day Fix/BeachBody/Shakeology.
I hate dieting.
I hate exercise.
I love sugar and being lazy.
I ordered the 21 Day Fix stuff in September. The box floated around my kitchen for months before I just opened it a few weeks ago.
It took some major badgering from a vet school classmate and some major crying after talking to my husband to realize that I really needed to do this. Loosing 30 pounds was my only option. I don't have the $2600+ that would be needed for fertility treatments. (Actually, that's the cost for one fertility treatment. It's not covered by insurance.)
Weight loss isn't going to be easy. I need to actually stick to the program. No cheating.
The past few weeks haven't been easy.
So tomorrow, I'm really doing it. Joe's going to be out of town which will make it easier since I'm only feeding myself. And I don't have to worry about him making fun of me exercising.
Tomorrow, meal planning and grocery store. (And TSC and Home Depot.)
I know that there will be days I cheat. Days that work is rough enough to require a Coke to get me through or when I decide that the calving/DA/lameness exam was close enough to exercise and skip it. And that's okay. As long as the good days out weight the bad.
That being said, by some random stroke of luck, I've lost almost 10 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm not sure how but its true!
Two Bad Words
Complacency and acceptance are probably the two worst words when you have to go backwards and disregard them for the sake of dieting.
We're told over and over again to love ourselves for ourselves. While all that's fine and good, sometimes, we're put in a place where accepting ourselves for what we are is not possible.
I'm at that point.
It all really boils down to pants.
This is what happens.
You don't really notice that you are gaining weight. (Or at least I didn't.) But then one day, you need new pants. So you go to your favorite store and pick out some pants. Now you know that the pants you are currently wearing fit well. They are comfortable and look good (or so you think). So you start there.
Maybe you take them home or maybe you try them on. And despite being the same type and size of pants you wear all the time, they don't fit. What do you mean they don't fit?!?!?
So you move up a size. No big deal. The old ones were worn and stretched and that's why you needed to move up a size. OR maybe the company changed their sizing. That happens all the time right?
So you accept that you are now a new size. A new, bigger size. Its all good.
But it snowballs. And its not one pants size, its two or three.
You don't even see yourself as the person wearing the size of pants that you are. You're still the person that was wearing the pants two or three sizes ago. That's the acceptance again. Or maybe complacency.
But that's where I'm at. Needing new pants.
Hopefully, I can hold out on the ones I have and instead of trading up, I can trade down. Fingers crossed.
We're told over and over again to love ourselves for ourselves. While all that's fine and good, sometimes, we're put in a place where accepting ourselves for what we are is not possible.
I'm at that point.
It all really boils down to pants.
This is what happens.
You don't really notice that you are gaining weight. (Or at least I didn't.) But then one day, you need new pants. So you go to your favorite store and pick out some pants. Now you know that the pants you are currently wearing fit well. They are comfortable and look good (or so you think). So you start there.
Maybe you take them home or maybe you try them on. And despite being the same type and size of pants you wear all the time, they don't fit. What do you mean they don't fit?!?!?
So you move up a size. No big deal. The old ones were worn and stretched and that's why you needed to move up a size. OR maybe the company changed their sizing. That happens all the time right?
So you accept that you are now a new size. A new, bigger size. Its all good.
But it snowballs. And its not one pants size, its two or three.
You don't even see yourself as the person wearing the size of pants that you are. You're still the person that was wearing the pants two or three sizes ago. That's the acceptance again. Or maybe complacency.
But that's where I'm at. Needing new pants.
Hopefully, I can hold out on the ones I have and instead of trading up, I can trade down. Fingers crossed.
Post One
Well, I've started a new blog.
This one is focusing on a new part of my journey.
This one doesn't focus on my life with my husband, Joe. Nor does it focus on my career as a veterinarian.
So let's explore the name of this blog...Gaining Baby Weight.
This blog will explore my journey doing two things-1) getting pregnant (and eventually the journey of pregnancy and motherhood) and 2) losing weight so that I can actually get pregnant.
That's right. In order to get pregnant, I need to lose weight. Its such a bizarre concept really.
In June 2014, after months of not having regular periods and trying to get my cycles started, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is an endocrine/metabolic disease. Essentially, there are multiple cysts on my ovaries that don't ovulate. Additionally, there is an overabundance of other hormones which play havoc with other hormones. Often, weight gain, acne and abnormal hair growth are symptoms. You can have heart disease and become insulin resistant. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in American women.
PCOS is why I'm infertile.
So, after my nurse practitioner bounced me to an OB/GYN in her office, who bounced me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who I eventually would stop go going to and go to another one instead, I am here. I've had three transvaginal ultrasounds (glamorous), countless vials of blood taken and three trips to Pittsburgh. I am here and was told that I didn't have any medical reason for not ovulating. I wasn't insulin resistant. I have open Fallopian tubes.
So I was told to loose weight. Specifically, to loose 30 pounds.
And now, I work on loosing 30 pounds so that I can get pregnant. If only it was as simple as typing that sentence. This is my journey...primarily to loose 30 pounds.
This one is focusing on a new part of my journey.
This one doesn't focus on my life with my husband, Joe. Nor does it focus on my career as a veterinarian.
So let's explore the name of this blog...Gaining Baby Weight.
This blog will explore my journey doing two things-1) getting pregnant (and eventually the journey of pregnancy and motherhood) and 2) losing weight so that I can actually get pregnant.
That's right. In order to get pregnant, I need to lose weight. Its such a bizarre concept really.
In June 2014, after months of not having regular periods and trying to get my cycles started, I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is an endocrine/metabolic disease. Essentially, there are multiple cysts on my ovaries that don't ovulate. Additionally, there is an overabundance of other hormones which play havoc with other hormones. Often, weight gain, acne and abnormal hair growth are symptoms. You can have heart disease and become insulin resistant. PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in American women.
PCOS is why I'm infertile.
So, after my nurse practitioner bounced me to an OB/GYN in her office, who bounced me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who I eventually would stop go going to and go to another one instead, I am here. I've had three transvaginal ultrasounds (glamorous), countless vials of blood taken and three trips to Pittsburgh. I am here and was told that I didn't have any medical reason for not ovulating. I wasn't insulin resistant. I have open Fallopian tubes.
So I was told to loose weight. Specifically, to loose 30 pounds.
And now, I work on loosing 30 pounds so that I can get pregnant. If only it was as simple as typing that sentence. This is my journey...primarily to loose 30 pounds.
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